Spiritual awakening / a good definition

The other night I heard a funny definition of what a spiritual awakening is.

I was watching a TV show called Wonderfalls. The main character (who has had a kind of spiritual awakening) is telling a friend what it is like.

She said:
“Basically, it’s like constantly having the universe tell you (main character grabs her
Friend’s hand and starts smacking her with it) why are you hitting yourself, stop
Hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself?”

This made me laugh and smile because it touches on the truth. All of the drama and pain that I took so seriously, the vast majority of it was self created. It’s kind of like standing around smacking yourself in the face.

I drew this sketch more then a decade ago. The fellow looked so relaxed and at peace, the next day I had to add the caption. Sense then, I have thumbed through my journal many times and I always stop at this picture and smile.

This cartoon is funny because it seams ridiculous that this guy doesn't have any problems. Everyone has problems all the time.

How weird is that. Even when we don't have some specific issue, there is always this vague sense that life is not OK.

Addicted to our drama, lost in our negative fantasies.

So, here is a smile and a nod to the simple beauty that lies behind that vail of tears.

Joy vs Drama.

Over this past year I have spent more time in peace and joy then at any other period of my life. I've found that joy resided in the now. Within this gift of life there is variance, stillness and peace. These peaceful reality is naturally present inside of us, now. I do not have a life, I am life and it is good.

However...

Some drama has come into my life or perhaps I have pulled back the curtains and created it myself.

After a lot of inner turmoil, I have done some confronting. I have spoken up and shared my perception of a painful situation. I have rocked the boat and now every thing's a little shaky. Confusion and fear whisper in my ear and I recognize the feelings of drama.

There is a strong urgent voice in my head that is telling my how dire this situation is. It sails I need to carefully steer these turbulent waters. I need to worry and figure out how to avoid disaster. I need to make things work out the way I need them to work out. My peace and serenity depends on the specifics of my life situation. If I can get all the pieces in the right places at the right time, then I will be OK.

Every fearful, worried thought has a little tag attached to it and the tag reads "This thought is extremely important."

These thoughts lead me to anxiety, fear and misery. These are a common destination. With well traveled roads and excellent signage.

My mind tells me that the best way to prepare for tomorrow is to worry today. If I can imagine all the permutations and come up with the correct reaction to each, then I will be able to control it and get what I need.

But in reality, it plays out quite differently then that.

If I make a habit of worrying today,then when I arrive at tomorrow, I will be very practiced at worrying and the chances are I will continue worrying. In truth we never arrive at tomorrow and we become stuck in worrying and fretting. Now is all that really matters.

If, on the other hands I spend today focused on today. If I confront it, speak directly to it. If I keep my consciousness focused on the here and now. If I realize that this moment is my entire life and requires my full commitment. If I make the now my primary focus, then I will be amassing another kind of practice.

When I arrive at a crossroad or a difficult challenge, I will be practiced in being present and staying centered.

The real question is, am I willing to give up my drama. I am willing to let go of my victim story. My mind views it as though it is a curse and that it has been forced upon me but it truth I am the ones who is generating these painful thoughts and feelings.

My drama is a security blanket of endless streaming thoughts. A stream of thoughts that I use to fill the void that is me. If I can not experience my true timeless essence. If I believe that I am nothing more than my ego and my mind, then I need drama to distract me from my fear that I am alone.

but if I know myself as the presence and life behind the mind. That which hears the mind but is not the mind. That timeless awareness at my core, is complete. It does not need more to be whole. I do not need time to "find myself". I am myself and there are no problems.

From there, acceptance and action happen naturally and the outcome will not be driven by fear.

Virtual life / lost in ideas.

Waiting is a real problem in our world. It's everywhere, it's an epidemic.

We wind up saying to ourselves: I will be fully alive..I will be happy... I will be present when...

• my primary relationship is doing better
• when my kids are happier
• when I get a better job
• when I am on vacation
• when I get off work
• when I am done with all the chores
• when he stops drinkings
• when she is happier
• when I make better friends
• when I get in better shape

The list goes on and on and every one's is a little different but the result is always the same. We don't want to be where we are. We do not accept life as it is now. We resist it. We resent it. We pull back. We do not fully participate in the present moment. We drag our heels and wait for a better moment.

It is absolutely insane behavior. Because there is no other moment than this moment. We only have NOW. We never live in any other moment. Another way to look at it is that life is self-similar. Which means the way I live today will resemble how I live this week, which will resemble how I live this year. My relationship to this moment is in fact my relationship to life. I best make friends with this moment, sense it is my constant companion.

Recently I have been getting caught up in resentments towards someone close to me. I could rant and complain about the specifics but that is not what I need to focus on. What I have noticed and watched is how I have responded to the situation this week.

At first I felt a little annoyed, and a tad angry. There was fear and resentment in me. I had good excuses for my feeling but the real truth is that In my little head Martyrdom is a comfortable and well worn pair of shoes. It doesn't matter how beat-up and smelly those old sneakers are, they're so damn comfortable.

Falling into resentment is like falling asleep and into a bad dream. I wasn't really awake. I couldn't really respond to life. I wasn't alive. I was lost in a sea of negative ideas about life.

I was trapped in my conditioned mind. I was stuck in my sad story about me.

Being angry or disappointed in myself, for these little resentment relapses doesn't help either. In fact, my response to these slip-ups is the most important thing. I must see what is happening. I must know it and accept it. When I accept where I find myself I create space around it. My resources are freed up. I am no longer using all my energy fighting what is. Once I accept the present moment, I can then address it. Without acceptance, I can only fight the present moment, which only leads to more pain and discomfort.

Or to make a long ramble short:

The quality of this moment is more important than the content.

I must have been absent that day

It is amazing the things we don't learn in school.

How about this little idea: An emotion is our bodies reaction to our thoughts

Sometimes we have emotions that are reactions to our surroundings but for the most part, our emotional currents are determined by our thoughts and beliefs.

For most of my life I have been very careful how I acted and what I said but I figured that the thoughts in my head were my own business. I could blame, I could ridicule, I could do what ever I wanted in the confines of my mind. The problem is that those negative judgemental thoughts soon become mirrored in my body as emotions. So, now I am thinking negative thoughts and feeling negative emotions. If I buy into the popular idea that I am nothing but my mind, that there is no deeper reality that connects me to the rest of life, then I am lost at see.

At one time I believed that my thoughts were mostly beyond my control. My mind was always busy and very compulsive. I could not stop myself from indulging in resentments, worry and fear. I had no tools for dealing with my inner state. So I desperately tried to control my surroundings. If I could get everyone to do what they should do, then I would feel OK. If I could arrange all the peaces of my life just right, then I would be happy. You can probably guess how well that went.

I felt like a little boat being thrown about the sea. It felt like all the world was in chaos. I was constantly being bounced around.

A couple of years ago my wife played me a song written by Josh Joplin called I am My Trampoline. Here are some lyrics from it.

I Am My Trampoline

Some people wish they could be like Moses And get their information from burning
bushes
Well I tried but the neighbors complained I set their lawns
aflame

CHORUS:
I'm up and down I'm going in circles
I'm anxious to know what I mean
The days change like old opinions And opinions change everything
I am my trampoline

I went abroad to break my concentration
But instead I broke my glasses lost my voice in translation
I talked but I couldn't be heard
I never spoke a word

It is a great song and the lyrics really hit home. I had always been convinced that the world was tossing me around, when in fact the truth was much more poetic: I am my trampoline.

It is here and now or it is nowhere at all

Good morning.

My life is going to be changing a great deal in the next eight weeks. If all goes well, soon we will be moving to Eugene, changing homes, changing jobs and sending the kids to a new school. Sometimes I am excited, at other times anxiety and fear creeps in.

The real problem is when I start dwelling in the future - when I start walking through my worry scenarios. What If I simply can't get a job? What if we keep applying but nobody hires me?

That projecting worrying puts my mind into the future. However, I am still here in the present. That creates an anxiety gap. I am here but I feel like I need to be up there, dealing with that problem. I can feel the very core of me resisting this present moment, not wanting to be here in this fear. I am uneasy, nervous and the only way I can feel better is to solve that future problem.

But matter how hard I think and worry about those future problems, I can not solve them. They are not here are now and that is where I am. There is some footwork I can do to hedge my bets but if I am caught up in fear and not present in this moment, my efforts will be tainted with fear and I will be ineffectual. However, the worst result of the anxiety gap, is that I will not be present for my life.

What I really truly want, that which I have always been striving for, behind all of my actions and dreams, is here now. It is here now and can be found at no other time or place. Salvation can only ever be found here and now. There is no more learning required. There are no more preparations to be made. Having to work towards enlightentment is an illusion. I am not trying to break free from my bonds. I am trying to let go of the illusion that I am in bonds.

This momentous day
real and precious
a glorious opportunity
listen closely
do not blink
a million lights
a million sounds
the wind in the leaves
it is here and now or it is nowhere at all.

I will not miss today, worrying about tomorrow. I must take very close care. I must be attentive. I must not dwell in my future fantasy.

Life is now and it is good.

A Hidden Problem

Two years ago I went for a walk in my favorite park. Bush Pasture is a beautiful place with winding paths through hundreds of gorgeous trees. What was unique about this particular walk is that my wife and kids were off doing something and I was completely free and on my own. I had five hours of freedom and absolutely no responsibilities. That never happens in my little world.

I had plans to get together with a friend later on but first, I wanted to have a nice long walk through the trees. I take my kids down to that park and I always enjoy it. But taking my girls to the park is a bit like taking an express train through the Alps.

It was a perfect afternoon. There was hardly anyone at the park and the wind was blowing through the trees, making the leaves shimmer and talk.

I walked
I looked around
I listened

But something wasn’t right.

I had five hours (well 4.5 to be exact) to do whatever I wanted. Perhaps there was a better way to spend my time. I mean wouldn’t a lot of other guys view my choice of activities as pathetic? Am I really going to take any meaningful memories away from this? Perhaps I should be trying to network, reach out to other people, make friends, exercise, or go kayaking. Maybe I should go find Mike and we could go mountain biking. Maybe that’s what I should do. Maybe that is the solution.

I had a good walk in the park on that day but it was not the walk I had meant to take. I walked and I listened to my mind. I wasn’t obsessing or caught up in neuroses. I just listened to it. How repetitive it was, how compulsive. It was kind of mindless and insane.

How my mind works:

• You wait for some thing specific to fall into place.


• If it does, it only take a moment to realize that you were waiting for the wrong thing.


• So you wait for something else.
  
• Rinse and repeat
  

I recognized this dissatisfaction. It has been a part of me for as long as I could remember but recently I had been increasingly aware of it.

I go to 12 step meetings and enjoy them a great deal but for some time I’ve been having a certain struggle. Between meetings I would become dissatisfied. I would feel adrift. I would try and remember that wonderful purpose and energy I found in the meetings. I would pray, call a recovery friend, call my sponsor or read some literature. Sometimes that would work and it was wonderful. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being pursued by a beast of dissatisfaction. No matter what I did, it was only a matter of time before it would show up again.

I didn’t want to live my life that way.

Could I ever work my recovery program well enough? Could I leave that dissatisfaction behind in any truly meaningful way? Would I always be searching and searching for a higher perspective?

Maybe I need more information?

Perhaps Buddhism.
Maybe lucid dreaming.
I could try serious exercising.
How about underwater basket weaving?
Or perhaps I should just become a workaholic. At least that way I would look like a success. Even if underneath I was endlessly haunted by the dissatisfaction. Unable to simply enjoy my life.
---UNABLE TO ENJOY MY LIFE---

I knew that the 12 step meetings I was attending were a positive influence but on some level they were not addressing a core issue. As Eckhart Tolle puts it, I was trying to add more content, when in fact the real issue was structural.

I thought my mind was me.

My mind is a problem solving machine. If it can not find a problem, then it has no purpose. If it is going to have a purpose, it must find a problem (dissatisfaction). Life was an endless problem and I was completely incapable of enjoying it.

When I was walking in the park, I became uncomfortable with the silence. My mind was uncomfortable without a problem to chew on. It was like I needed my security blanket and my security blanket was thinking. I believed I was my mind so I needed to stay thinking. Otherwise I was just a void. Without thought, what I believed was me, didn’t exist.

Fortunately I am not my mind.