Virtual life / lost in ideas.

Waiting is a real problem in our world. It's everywhere, it's an epidemic.

We wind up saying to ourselves: I will be fully alive..I will be happy... I will be present when...

• my primary relationship is doing better
• when my kids are happier
• when I get a better job
• when I am on vacation
• when I get off work
• when I am done with all the chores
• when he stops drinkings
• when she is happier
• when I make better friends
• when I get in better shape

The list goes on and on and every one's is a little different but the result is always the same. We don't want to be where we are. We do not accept life as it is now. We resist it. We resent it. We pull back. We do not fully participate in the present moment. We drag our heels and wait for a better moment.

It is absolutely insane behavior. Because there is no other moment than this moment. We only have NOW. We never live in any other moment. Another way to look at it is that life is self-similar. Which means the way I live today will resemble how I live this week, which will resemble how I live this year. My relationship to this moment is in fact my relationship to life. I best make friends with this moment, sense it is my constant companion.

Recently I have been getting caught up in resentments towards someone close to me. I could rant and complain about the specifics but that is not what I need to focus on. What I have noticed and watched is how I have responded to the situation this week.

At first I felt a little annoyed, and a tad angry. There was fear and resentment in me. I had good excuses for my feeling but the real truth is that In my little head Martyrdom is a comfortable and well worn pair of shoes. It doesn't matter how beat-up and smelly those old sneakers are, they're so damn comfortable.

Falling into resentment is like falling asleep and into a bad dream. I wasn't really awake. I couldn't really respond to life. I wasn't alive. I was lost in a sea of negative ideas about life.

I was trapped in my conditioned mind. I was stuck in my sad story about me.

Being angry or disappointed in myself, for these little resentment relapses doesn't help either. In fact, my response to these slip-ups is the most important thing. I must see what is happening. I must know it and accept it. When I accept where I find myself I create space around it. My resources are freed up. I am no longer using all my energy fighting what is. Once I accept the present moment, I can then address it. Without acceptance, I can only fight the present moment, which only leads to more pain and discomfort.

Or to make a long ramble short:

The quality of this moment is more important than the content.