Joy vs Drama.

Over this past year I have spent more time in peace and joy then at any other period of my life. I've found that joy resided in the now. Within this gift of life there is variance, stillness and peace. These peaceful reality is naturally present inside of us, now. I do not have a life, I am life and it is good.

However...

Some drama has come into my life or perhaps I have pulled back the curtains and created it myself.

After a lot of inner turmoil, I have done some confronting. I have spoken up and shared my perception of a painful situation. I have rocked the boat and now every thing's a little shaky. Confusion and fear whisper in my ear and I recognize the feelings of drama.

There is a strong urgent voice in my head that is telling my how dire this situation is. It sails I need to carefully steer these turbulent waters. I need to worry and figure out how to avoid disaster. I need to make things work out the way I need them to work out. My peace and serenity depends on the specifics of my life situation. If I can get all the pieces in the right places at the right time, then I will be OK.

Every fearful, worried thought has a little tag attached to it and the tag reads "This thought is extremely important."

These thoughts lead me to anxiety, fear and misery. These are a common destination. With well traveled roads and excellent signage.

My mind tells me that the best way to prepare for tomorrow is to worry today. If I can imagine all the permutations and come up with the correct reaction to each, then I will be able to control it and get what I need.

But in reality, it plays out quite differently then that.

If I make a habit of worrying today,then when I arrive at tomorrow, I will be very practiced at worrying and the chances are I will continue worrying. In truth we never arrive at tomorrow and we become stuck in worrying and fretting. Now is all that really matters.

If, on the other hands I spend today focused on today. If I confront it, speak directly to it. If I keep my consciousness focused on the here and now. If I realize that this moment is my entire life and requires my full commitment. If I make the now my primary focus, then I will be amassing another kind of practice.

When I arrive at a crossroad or a difficult challenge, I will be practiced in being present and staying centered.

The real question is, am I willing to give up my drama. I am willing to let go of my victim story. My mind views it as though it is a curse and that it has been forced upon me but it truth I am the ones who is generating these painful thoughts and feelings.

My drama is a security blanket of endless streaming thoughts. A stream of thoughts that I use to fill the void that is me. If I can not experience my true timeless essence. If I believe that I am nothing more than my ego and my mind, then I need drama to distract me from my fear that I am alone.

but if I know myself as the presence and life behind the mind. That which hears the mind but is not the mind. That timeless awareness at my core, is complete. It does not need more to be whole. I do not need time to "find myself". I am myself and there are no problems.

From there, acceptance and action happen naturally and the outcome will not be driven by fear.

Virtual life / lost in ideas.

Waiting is a real problem in our world. It's everywhere, it's an epidemic.

We wind up saying to ourselves: I will be fully alive..I will be happy... I will be present when...

• my primary relationship is doing better
• when my kids are happier
• when I get a better job
• when I am on vacation
• when I get off work
• when I am done with all the chores
• when he stops drinkings
• when she is happier
• when I make better friends
• when I get in better shape

The list goes on and on and every one's is a little different but the result is always the same. We don't want to be where we are. We do not accept life as it is now. We resist it. We resent it. We pull back. We do not fully participate in the present moment. We drag our heels and wait for a better moment.

It is absolutely insane behavior. Because there is no other moment than this moment. We only have NOW. We never live in any other moment. Another way to look at it is that life is self-similar. Which means the way I live today will resemble how I live this week, which will resemble how I live this year. My relationship to this moment is in fact my relationship to life. I best make friends with this moment, sense it is my constant companion.

Recently I have been getting caught up in resentments towards someone close to me. I could rant and complain about the specifics but that is not what I need to focus on. What I have noticed and watched is how I have responded to the situation this week.

At first I felt a little annoyed, and a tad angry. There was fear and resentment in me. I had good excuses for my feeling but the real truth is that In my little head Martyrdom is a comfortable and well worn pair of shoes. It doesn't matter how beat-up and smelly those old sneakers are, they're so damn comfortable.

Falling into resentment is like falling asleep and into a bad dream. I wasn't really awake. I couldn't really respond to life. I wasn't alive. I was lost in a sea of negative ideas about life.

I was trapped in my conditioned mind. I was stuck in my sad story about me.

Being angry or disappointed in myself, for these little resentment relapses doesn't help either. In fact, my response to these slip-ups is the most important thing. I must see what is happening. I must know it and accept it. When I accept where I find myself I create space around it. My resources are freed up. I am no longer using all my energy fighting what is. Once I accept the present moment, I can then address it. Without acceptance, I can only fight the present moment, which only leads to more pain and discomfort.

Or to make a long ramble short:

The quality of this moment is more important than the content.