I must have been absent that day

It is amazing the things we don't learn in school.

How about this little idea: An emotion is our bodies reaction to our thoughts

Sometimes we have emotions that are reactions to our surroundings but for the most part, our emotional currents are determined by our thoughts and beliefs.

For most of my life I have been very careful how I acted and what I said but I figured that the thoughts in my head were my own business. I could blame, I could ridicule, I could do what ever I wanted in the confines of my mind. The problem is that those negative judgemental thoughts soon become mirrored in my body as emotions. So, now I am thinking negative thoughts and feeling negative emotions. If I buy into the popular idea that I am nothing but my mind, that there is no deeper reality that connects me to the rest of life, then I am lost at see.

At one time I believed that my thoughts were mostly beyond my control. My mind was always busy and very compulsive. I could not stop myself from indulging in resentments, worry and fear. I had no tools for dealing with my inner state. So I desperately tried to control my surroundings. If I could get everyone to do what they should do, then I would feel OK. If I could arrange all the peaces of my life just right, then I would be happy. You can probably guess how well that went.

I felt like a little boat being thrown about the sea. It felt like all the world was in chaos. I was constantly being bounced around.

A couple of years ago my wife played me a song written by Josh Joplin called I am My Trampoline. Here are some lyrics from it.

I Am My Trampoline

Some people wish they could be like Moses And get their information from burning
bushes
Well I tried but the neighbors complained I set their lawns
aflame

CHORUS:
I'm up and down I'm going in circles
I'm anxious to know what I mean
The days change like old opinions And opinions change everything
I am my trampoline

I went abroad to break my concentration
But instead I broke my glasses lost my voice in translation
I talked but I couldn't be heard
I never spoke a word

It is a great song and the lyrics really hit home. I had always been convinced that the world was tossing me around, when in fact the truth was much more poetic: I am my trampoline.

It is here and now or it is nowhere at all

Good morning.

My life is going to be changing a great deal in the next eight weeks. If all goes well, soon we will be moving to Eugene, changing homes, changing jobs and sending the kids to a new school. Sometimes I am excited, at other times anxiety and fear creeps in.

The real problem is when I start dwelling in the future - when I start walking through my worry scenarios. What If I simply can't get a job? What if we keep applying but nobody hires me?

That projecting worrying puts my mind into the future. However, I am still here in the present. That creates an anxiety gap. I am here but I feel like I need to be up there, dealing with that problem. I can feel the very core of me resisting this present moment, not wanting to be here in this fear. I am uneasy, nervous and the only way I can feel better is to solve that future problem.

But matter how hard I think and worry about those future problems, I can not solve them. They are not here are now and that is where I am. There is some footwork I can do to hedge my bets but if I am caught up in fear and not present in this moment, my efforts will be tainted with fear and I will be ineffectual. However, the worst result of the anxiety gap, is that I will not be present for my life.

What I really truly want, that which I have always been striving for, behind all of my actions and dreams, is here now. It is here now and can be found at no other time or place. Salvation can only ever be found here and now. There is no more learning required. There are no more preparations to be made. Having to work towards enlightentment is an illusion. I am not trying to break free from my bonds. I am trying to let go of the illusion that I am in bonds.

This momentous day
real and precious
a glorious opportunity
listen closely
do not blink
a million lights
a million sounds
the wind in the leaves
it is here and now or it is nowhere at all.

I will not miss today, worrying about tomorrow. I must take very close care. I must be attentive. I must not dwell in my future fantasy.

Life is now and it is good.

A Hidden Problem

Two years ago I went for a walk in my favorite park. Bush Pasture is a beautiful place with winding paths through hundreds of gorgeous trees. What was unique about this particular walk is that my wife and kids were off doing something and I was completely free and on my own. I had five hours of freedom and absolutely no responsibilities. That never happens in my little world.

I had plans to get together with a friend later on but first, I wanted to have a nice long walk through the trees. I take my kids down to that park and I always enjoy it. But taking my girls to the park is a bit like taking an express train through the Alps.

It was a perfect afternoon. There was hardly anyone at the park and the wind was blowing through the trees, making the leaves shimmer and talk.

I walked
I looked around
I listened

But something wasn’t right.

I had five hours (well 4.5 to be exact) to do whatever I wanted. Perhaps there was a better way to spend my time. I mean wouldn’t a lot of other guys view my choice of activities as pathetic? Am I really going to take any meaningful memories away from this? Perhaps I should be trying to network, reach out to other people, make friends, exercise, or go kayaking. Maybe I should go find Mike and we could go mountain biking. Maybe that’s what I should do. Maybe that is the solution.

I had a good walk in the park on that day but it was not the walk I had meant to take. I walked and I listened to my mind. I wasn’t obsessing or caught up in neuroses. I just listened to it. How repetitive it was, how compulsive. It was kind of mindless and insane.

How my mind works:

• You wait for some thing specific to fall into place.


• If it does, it only take a moment to realize that you were waiting for the wrong thing.


• So you wait for something else.
  
• Rinse and repeat
  

I recognized this dissatisfaction. It has been a part of me for as long as I could remember but recently I had been increasingly aware of it.

I go to 12 step meetings and enjoy them a great deal but for some time I’ve been having a certain struggle. Between meetings I would become dissatisfied. I would feel adrift. I would try and remember that wonderful purpose and energy I found in the meetings. I would pray, call a recovery friend, call my sponsor or read some literature. Sometimes that would work and it was wonderful. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being pursued by a beast of dissatisfaction. No matter what I did, it was only a matter of time before it would show up again.

I didn’t want to live my life that way.

Could I ever work my recovery program well enough? Could I leave that dissatisfaction behind in any truly meaningful way? Would I always be searching and searching for a higher perspective?

Maybe I need more information?

Perhaps Buddhism.
Maybe lucid dreaming.
I could try serious exercising.
How about underwater basket weaving?
Or perhaps I should just become a workaholic. At least that way I would look like a success. Even if underneath I was endlessly haunted by the dissatisfaction. Unable to simply enjoy my life.
---UNABLE TO ENJOY MY LIFE---

I knew that the 12 step meetings I was attending were a positive influence but on some level they were not addressing a core issue. As Eckhart Tolle puts it, I was trying to add more content, when in fact the real issue was structural.

I thought my mind was me.

My mind is a problem solving machine. If it can not find a problem, then it has no purpose. If it is going to have a purpose, it must find a problem (dissatisfaction). Life was an endless problem and I was completely incapable of enjoying it.

When I was walking in the park, I became uncomfortable with the silence. My mind was uncomfortable without a problem to chew on. It was like I needed my security blanket and my security blanket was thinking. I believed I was my mind so I needed to stay thinking. Otherwise I was just a void. Without thought, what I believed was me, didn’t exist.

Fortunately I am not my mind.

I’m having a hard time starting this blog. I’m not up to the task of writing an autobiographical introduction. So, I think I will just throw out some facts and start from there.

Name: Gabrial
Age: 36

I was an elementary teacher for five years. A couple years ago I went back to school to study computers. In the next two months the plan is to move to a new city, start a new career, put the kids in a new school and keep my sanity.

I’ve been involved in the 12 step programs for more than a decade. Having that center of support and spiritual focus in my life has made all the difference. A little more than a year ago, my wife introduced me to Eckhart Tolle. His book The Power of Now has had a profound effect on my life.

Today, my life has a very different feel and a differnt kind of focus. It is much better now than I ever thought it could be. I am going to start journaling in this blog as part of my practice. I would like to share some of my intention, some of my focus. Sharing in 12 step meetings has been a big part of my growth. Perhaps sharing here will have a similar effect.